Courage and Support Needed

Hari ni aku bangun lambat giler (1145 am).. Mata dah celik, tapi badan taknak bangun.. Tekak terasa amat sakit sekali.. Bukannya tak sihat, tapi aku dah malas nak berhadapan dengan dunia..

Berada di rumah mmg membuatkan aku tenang dan happy.. Talking, laughing, and playing with my best bud a.k.a my lil brother (but he's not lil, he's 14).. haha.. Mmg ko wat aku happy la, Syafiq Chu.. Terima kasih walaupun ak slalu pukul pale ko.. (^_^)

Semalam aku tgok KBS kt ch303 in Astro.. Ade satu rancangan TV ni, talk show.. Peserta2 dikehendaki melengkapkan sajak, bermula dengan 2 ayat yang diberi..

"The ppl I love finally go away from me..

There's no more ppl I could love if you're away from me..."

*sort of*

Then every peserta pun sambung la ikut kreativiti..

Ttbe..

Aku rasa pipi aku basah..

Sbab..

Ayat from me will be..

"I know that you'll never be mine,

but what I want you to know is...

I'LL BE YOURS.. FOREVER"

hati ini semakin sakit, fikiran ini semakin kusut lagi

Entah kenapa jantung ni rasa macam nak tercabut.. Ak da jnji dgan diri sendiri supaya x lagi ingat2 kat dy.. Tapi entah kenapa, semakin ak cbe avoid, smakin dkat rasa tu dtg.. Even I don't know the precise answer.. Jelingan yang dy lemparkan waktu berselisih td btul2 wat ak sedih.. But promise is promise.. I'm not gonna cry anymore..

Hamzi: Nape la u xleh lupakan die?
Me: U ada answer? Why don't u tell me je sbab even I pun xtau nape..
Hamzi: Haish.. Pe la yg ade kat dy tu..
Me: *silent*

Hamzi (my housemate) byk bg nasihat n courage.. Yup, ak admit, Hamzi jauh lebih tabah dari aku.. Kenapa aku yang slalu nampak yakin n bersemangat mampu dikalahkan oleh orang yg I don't think deserve me?

It has been more than months since that incident happened.. N for sure, I feel suffocated living in Puncak.. Kat mane je ak ade, mesti akan terserempak pnye.. Maybe Tuhan nak duga whether I could b strong or not..

Bila fikir2 balik, mana ada anythg special pasal dia..? (Ade kot, tp only for my thought lah kot) Biasa la, kalau dah ske, smuanya indah.. Tapi better we stress at the word suka sbab kalau cinta, teruk la..

"Tuhan, tolonglah aku dalam usaha untuk melupakan dirinya.. Aku insan yang lemah, Ya Allah..."

Sometimes I even wished that aku hilang ingatan ke, atau kena pergi jauh ke.. Baru lepas kot seksaan ni.. Hmm..

hati ini semakin sakit, fikiran ini semakin kusut

dah lama aku tidak meng'update' blog.. asyik baca blog orang je.. bukannya apa. sem 3 kali ni lebih susah dari yang dijangka.. paling memeningkan kepala = TAX.. haissh.. byk sgt benda n tips yang nak kne hafal..

aku rasa rimas + lemas = suffocated walaupun Allah masih berbaik hati dengan memberikan aku bekalan oksigen yang tidak putus2.. Alhamdulillah..

"Chu, jgnlah mcm ni Chu.. Ko kne buang fikiran tu jauh2.." Thanks kat Amir Zakuwan sebab selalu pujuk aku bila aku sedih (ttbe diam dan termenung jauh)..

Sory Am, ak selalu marah2 ko psl study, slalu igtkan ko utk asingkan study n leisure.. tp aku sendiripun tak boleh nak asingkan hal study dan perasaan.. Ya, aku insan yang paling LEMAH.. Mudah ditewaskan kata2..

"You know what, Chu.. Your main problem is ko terlalu care psl org.." Aku tersentak bila Am ckp mcm tu.. Aku bukan nak mengongkong atau jadi busy body of sape2.. aku cuma nak yang terbaik for my friends.. for me, ape yg penting is my friends around me dpt apa yg diorg nak, n if aku boleh tolong, why not aku offer utk tlg dorg?

"You act more than your age.." Thanks Iffa for saying this. Am I being so old by soul yet young physically? Yup, maybe I do nag sometimes, n I do PMS also.. But besides being a caring person, one need to have his/her downs, aite?

N semester ni, aku sgt kurang berckp dengan Hazuan Hamdan (my bestie for 1 yr).. Kitorg dah xduduk same2 dlm klas lg.. Motifnye ialah, bila sorg mengarut, yg sorg lg mesti sambung, then melarat2.. haha.. so evrytime before kitorg duduk seblah2, warning diri masing2 dlu.. tp, mcm biasalah, mne leh kawal sme tu.. haha.. Rindu giler kat Hazu sbb dah kurg ckp2.. tp InsyaAllah, persahabatn kitorg kekal smpi mati.. (Kitorg dah jnji nak masuk Amazing Race one day)

N nak jugak ucap rindu pada housemate xjadi sem 3..

Hazuan Hamdan (tman gaduh)
Izzat Anuar (tmn mengumpat)
Rizal (tmn berbahasa)
Zul (tmn beribadah)
Danial (tmn memasak xP)
HAIKAL ANUAR (tmn Kpop n Jpop)

Sory sbab jrg pegi umah korg.. Klu boleh, hari2 nak lepak n tidur dlm bilik Ijat, leh ngumpat2, leh borak2 smpi dgar azan Subuh, baru nak g tdo.. Haha.. Then nak jugak share2 ramen or sushi lg ke? Aku just nak say thank you kat korg sme, eventho kite xjadi nak berhousemate, tp aku aggp korg antara manusia terapat skali kat Puncak ni..

N if rumah kitorg berpecah lagi hujung sem ni, dun worry, ak xkan mintak a place for me in there.. Tp maybe Am deserve one place there, aite? Sorry for taking him from you guyz.. No intention.. Tempat untuk aku.. Urm nanti2 lah..

And for someone out there (Wondering if he ever reads this)
Thanks for keeping it a secret, and I can see that you're happy living your life.. Good for me also.. It's hard for us to be good friends like before, n yeah, I know it is my fault.. Only God knows how long i've been thinking for this.. Maybe we should just forget it and be like before.. Such an awkward feeling to see you, even for once a week.. (Have been trying to run from you lately).. Just be cool n treat me like usual, bcoz im trying also.. The more you ignore (stop me or do faces or whatever), i'll be extremely sad and live my life with tears.. again.. You surely got no idea how much i've been crying bout this.. n please.. stop me from more and more tears.. It kills me inside.. hoping that we could make it through (crossing fingers)

Happy Ramadhan! (nak sahur jap)